“You’re Fired!” Or How I Almost Poisoned My Family.

It is a sad state of affairs when your husband fires you from being a Stay at Home Mom.  Seriously folks, you have to screw up pretty darn badly for that to happen.

Although my husband is much better looking - it was still just as humiliating...

I mean, it was just some undercooked pork…(and dogs urinating in the house because I forgot to let them out, spoiled milk because I forgot to put it away, flat tire on my car because I forgot to get it checked, and screaming toddler because she fell off the trampoline – and this is just in one afternoon),

  – I have a very long HR list of past offenses – honestly, I would never get hired anywhere that required any sort of domestic skill whatsoever.  My family just happened to  draw the short straw. 

So let’s just hope my family makes it through the night without a trip to the ER…

So, today started like any other – the mad dash to get four kids dressed in clean clothes and out the door for my trek across NorthEastern Oklahoma without getting pulled over by the cops or my kids getting detention for being tardy yet again. 

However, in the midst of my daily chaos, I was so proud of myself for actually thinking ahead and putting a pork roast in the Crock-Pot.  (Yeah me!).  Except I forgot to turn it on. 

So Shane comes home from work to a screaming baby, spoilt milk, a floor covered in dog urine and two boys streaking in our backyard (yes, I know it’s January.  I can only watch so many kids at one time). 

BUT – saving grace – I cooked dinner! 

Just not all the way.  When I was getting ready to serve it – it looked pretty darn pink.  I asked Shane if this was okay.  He thought I was cooking beef and said sure…

Well…when he realized it was pork and began to freak out (this is the man who ate a freeze-dried tarantula and dared the kids to eat bugs  mind you…)

under cooked pork

Seriously? And undercooked pork is worse than this?

 …he caused a chain reaction with the kids who were for sure they had been poisoned.  Jade immediately began googling “Pork Disease” and “tapeworms” and totally lost it and the boys were sure they were going to die.  (Not before they asked if they could stay home from school the next day since they were going to be sick and all…). 

Nicholas is milking this for all it's worth. Can't wait until he tells his dad I tried to poison them.

 I’m not the only one in my household with a flair for the dramatic…

So, I am now looking for a new job that involves zero domestic abilities.  Anyone need a wine taster?  I’m pretty good at that.