Life with My Wife…Or the Modern Day I Love Lucy (guest blog by my hubby)

…….modified from Wikipedia

I LOVE LUCY. Originally set in New York City (TULSA), I Love Lucy centers on Lucy Ricardo (MARNIE FERNANDEZ), and her singer/bandleader (ARCHITECT) husband Ricky Ricardo (SHANE FERNANDEZ). Lucy is naïve and ambitious, with an overactive imagination and a knack for getting herself into trouble. Known for her fiery red (BLONDE) hair, Lucy (MARNIE) appears as a scatter-brained homemaker with the matchless ability to turn an ordinary household chore into a complete and unprecedented disaster. Lucy’s (MARNIE’s) husband, Ricky Ricardo (SHANE), is an up-and-coming Cuban American (DANISH FILIPINO)singer (ARCHITECT)and bandleader (JANITOR) with an excitable personality. His patience is frequently tested by his wife’s antics. When exasperated, he often reverts to speaking rapidly in Spanish (JIBBERISH reminiscent of the father in A CHRISTMAS STORY).

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I have been meaning to do this for months. Between my crazy work schedule, business, 4 children, board meetings, and the fact that I am married to Marnie; I really have very little free time these days. Marnie’s blog is always a welcome break for me in the midst of my stressful weekly grind. Seeing her email pop up on my computer with her latest entry is somewhat therapeutic. She has the amazing ability to take something that 90% of the time wasn’t funny at all at that moment and then turn it into something we can look back on and laugh.

That might explain why I have the blank expression I do when I stand in the background as her friends run up to her and say, ‘Oh my gosh! I read your blog and it was so funny! I can’t believe this stuff happens to you. Is your life really that crazy?” I can assure you that my lovely bubbly wife is a complete walking disaster. Yes, it’s all true. Yes, she has managed to live as long as she has. And, yes, I love her death and I accept that I was destined to be with Marnie…..I need to elaborate on this last statement a bit more.

Marnie and I had completely different life-paths. She is from Shawnee, Oklahoma and had your stereotypical all-American pie upbringing. I, on the other hand, now flashback to being 17 years old on the island of Luzon, Philippines. I was undergoing the first 30 days of my Scout/Sniper training with a Special Forces Unit at Fort Bonifacio. I was lying in a rice paddy for 5 hours in a fixed position with a 15 pound weapon. It was at least 100 degrees with 95% humidity. I had to ignore the blades of grass that were beginning to cut into my skin every time a breeze came whipping through the valley. I had to turn off the natural instinct to flick away the ants that were crawling down my collar and up my pant legs. I didn’t fire a single round out of my rifle the first 4 weeks of my training. They were teaching me discipline, patience, focus and perseverance.

Little did I know that God had no intention for me in the big picture of my life to be a symbol of National Security. I would use these skills not to be the ethnic version of James Bond or Jason Bourne. Nope, I would use my tactical prowess to make it through the minefield of day to day events my bouncing blonde of a wife tends to throw my way. Fate works in mysterious ways.

I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma now and have the most amazing family. Gone are my days of globe-hopping on various adventures. I go to work, I hit a community function here and there, I go to Sunday School when I can, I fit in a workout but I put my family first and foremost on my priority list. My life is great and I share it with an amazing woman that inspires me and, we will just say, keeps me on my toes.

If you know Marnie, she is adventurous. This is a good thing in our relationship as I have a ‘Life-to do’ list that my daughter calls, simply put, ‘stupid.’ In one instance Marnie wanted me to teach her self-defense. Now, every good husband knows that a one-on-one session with wifey in any sport related activity is a big ‘negatory’. One must bring your significant other to a class where you can let an instructor take the blame for all the insensitive things you are bound to say. When I was 10 years old I was one of the top 3 Tae Kwon Do fighters in the country and the California State Champion. I also have been trained in Muay Thai, edged weapons and arnis sticks. Completely capable of teaching my wife anything she wants to know……completely willing? No, sir. (Men, for further guidance in man-law, I will often reference the wisdom found in Ask a Navy Seal or Ask a Ninja).

So into the fighting ring we go. We are not more than 10 minutes into the class. Marnie and I are facing one another as the instructor is explaining the proper delivery of the jab, cross, hook combo. As I turn back to see if my ADD prone wife is listening to the Instructor and not checking out what the other girls are wearing….BLAM, BLAM, BLAM! Apparently, Marnie is a dirty street fighter. She sucker punches me on both sides of my face and square in the nose. The class is quiet and the instructor proceeds to tell Marnie that she is supposed to wait for the green light and that we ‘pull’ our punches….meaning that you are not supposed to really hit your partner. She wasn’t listening. She was bouncing around on her toes like a blonde cross-eyed version of Manny Pacquiao focused on taking my head completely off. At that moment I realize that I will not be taking my life partner to any weapons classes….ever.

I can promise you that I have a story for every week spent with my wife. Consider that I have guided Marnie up and down 14,000 foot mountains, taken her to the shooting range, taught her to ride a motorcycle, traveled with her to exotic places, battled white water rapids in a raft, engaged in swinger salsa lessons, and sat with her in the labor and delivery room while she hallucinated. Oh, and have I mentioned that she has insomnia?…that’s another story entirely. I AM the Tulsa version of Bear Grylls in Man vs Wild except that my survival situation is the daily on-goings of life with my wife Marnie (LUCY). When you combine the history of our upbringings and our life as husband and wife, I could seriously write a book on the ‘behind the scenes’ stories of this somewhat dysfunctional coordination of happenings.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. My skill set, ironically enough, tends to balance out the valleys in my wife’s arsenal of common sense and street smarts. Looking back, I now understand her father when I first told him that I planned to marry his daughter and he immediately put one straightened hand into the palm of his other hand and said, “Timeout! Timeout! You really need to live with her for a while before you make that decision.”

I apologize for the length of this entry. As many of you may well know, this blog couldn’t be anything close to short, simple, or easy. That is no longer in the cards for me as I am early into this new adventure with my soul mate.

I am focused to tackle this one day at a time. It starts the minute I come home from work, open the door from the garage, and say out loud, “Marnie (LUCY), I’m home!”

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About marniefernandez

Official kid wrangler of four. Step mom, adoptive mom & bio mom. City girl turned country bumpkin. Small town girl next door married to Hollywood sniper/moto-cross/ninja architect. Career girl turned stay-at-home mom with baby on hip. Permanent taxi-cab driver, schedule organizer and professional laundress. (When not chasing kids...) Mommy blogger, columnist, travel writer and consultant. And no, I don't sleep. And yes, I take Prozac. And drink wine from sippy cups.

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