As I’m sitting in church with my three children (Shane is out of town, what was I thinking?) I am trying to concentrate on the sermon while simultaneously making sure my kids weren’t throwing things off the balcony or throwing things at each other. So when I looked down to see my stepson drawing some rather macabre pictures of dead people, I decided to ignore it, since hey – at least he was being quiet.
We made it through the service without incident (yeah, I was feeling rather smug), when we ran into the head minister as we were walking out. He proceeds to stop us and say hello (which in all the years I have gone there, I have never ran into him after the service) while my six year old says quite emphatically “Hi, My name is Tristan and I drew a picture of my step-dad dead!” Ummm. I seriously wanted to crawl in a hole. I stood like an idiot in front of our minister as he continues to smile and immediately turns to the next family (who I’m sure did NOT have drawings of dead people). I am pretty sure we topped his prayer list for the next week.
As our children seem to have an affinity for embarrassing us in front of “persons of the cloth” – our kids were in rare form when we met with the minister who was going to marry us the next day (mind you, we just met the lady). As our kids ran around like lunatics while we were trying to rehearse – they then began to egg on our youngest (doesn’t take a lot) who began to gyrate around like a stripper and in his best Chippendale style blurted out “Welcome to the Penis Show!” I stood in absolute horror, unable to move. Thank goodness for my husband, who quickly grabbed the children threw them in the car and made as graceful as an exit as possible (yes, she did still marry us the next day, thank goodness). Let’s just say by the time Shane was finished with the kids, they did not utter a word for the next two hours.
And of course the best is when they do it in front of your parents. I was driving my mom-in-law and my son to the store and had to slam on my brakes. From the back seat we hear a piercing “OH SH–!!!” I turn around and immediately scold my son – “NICHOLAS! We do NOT say that word!” “But mommy – that is what you say?”
Just shoot me now.