People who don’t know me very well ask me all the time…does this stuff really happen to you? Seriously?
Just ask some of my childhood friends…they’ll vouch for me. In fact, they will probably be more than happy to share some of their favorite Marnie-isms. Some which are probably not G rated. But that is for a different blog entirely…
Take this week for instance. Actually, let me just highlight one morning in particular.
So I walk in Baby J’s room to wake her up to make the rounds to the vet and school. To my surprise, she is not only awake, but has managed to pull off her diaper. Yikes. And guess what? The diaper is filled with poop which is now all over her and the crib. I’m talking smeared all over the place people. Double yikes and gag. I walk closer and see my precious, laughing baby girl eating her poop. Words cannot adequately express my horror.
I can’t even type about it without gagging. I know my dad has quit reading the story right about now.
In the meantime, keeping with the theme, our Doberman has also pooped in our game room and our Frenchie has thrown up in our son’s bed (the bed my son also had an accident in the middle of the night mind you).
So while I’m trying to disinfect the entire house and hose down dogs and a baby; (and get everyone fed, dressed and ready for school for which we were already incredibly late), one son fesses up that he may have homework due today after all (after telling me the night before that he did NOT have any)…we are talking six pages of math homework. Due in less than an hour. And I am supposed to sign off on it.
Needless to say, he got in big trouble. I shove him in the car with a pen and tell him to get busy working while I finish getting the rest of my motley crew ready. One child can’t find his shoes, I’m throwing together lunches (does cheese and cracker packets and fruit snacks count as a healthy lunch?) because I don’t even have time to make a darn sandwich.
I’m throwing kids, backpacks and dogs in the car while gulping down some lukewarm coffee and searching for my keys and phone. Which of course are nowhere to be found.
Kids loaded, dogs on top of kids loaded, makeshift lunches loaded and I run out the door, shut the garage and speed out the driveway…
Thank God for my observant step daughter. I cannot believe I am admitting this in public, but I FORGOT MY BABY. Yes, horror of horrors, I have driven off in the wake of my insanity without my baby girl. At least I have given my son more time to finish his homework…
I rush back in the house and thank God she didn’t realize what was going on, or she might be in therapy for the rest of her life (along with her mama – maybe we can get a two for one).
And if the morning couldn’t possibly get any worse, I realize that I have not even had a chance to shower or change out of my pjs. I have become my own worst nightmare.
And people wonder why I drink.