Excuse Me, I’d Like My Body Back Please (part one)

005.JPGTHe reason for my cleanse…

Okay people, I apologize up front if this blog sounds bitchy. Because starving yourself for four days will kinda put you in a bad mood. I’m halfway through this God forsaken cleanse (sorry Holly, I’m struggling) and it has been a long four and a half days.

Cleanse? What the heck am I doing? Well, after a year of eating like crap and gaining almost fifty pounds (yes, I know I was pregnant but STILL), I decided I needed to jump start my way back to healthy eating, detoxify my body, and oh who am I kidding, I want to fit back into my skinny jeans!

So, instead of being patient and observing the whole nine months on, nine months off rule (patience is not a forte of mine), I jump right in and decide to do a cleanse. Only nine days, how bad can it be? Oh…yes, I continue to surprise myself with my naivety.

A girlfriend at my church (Holly) who is a health nut guru and procurer of all things natural had done this cleanse several times and gotten several other girls to do it as well, and everyone had glowing results (of course I didn’t poll any of these girls WHILE they were going through it…mistake number one).

I ordered my supplies, had my cheerleaders in place (and for those who thought I was crazy, I just ignored their phone calls) and I was off and running (not literally, because after starving yourself, you are lucky to be able to have the energy to walk to the bathroom).

Day one: So, the night before, I had vivid dreams of food, even one where I got arrested because I broke into a health food store (wth?) to get my supplies. I woke up with knots in my stomach because I seriously did not know how I was going to get through the next two days with nothing more than a couple of almonds and an apple. I love me some food in a big way (and coffee, and wine…and shock, can’t have those either).

Mistake number two. Don’t start a cleanse on some emotional type of day…say like oh, your first born’s first day of Kindergarten. I amaze myself sometimes for my impeccable timing. It was a long long long day…and before it was over I didn’t know if I was crying because I was starving or because my Nicholas was off at school.

Mistake number three. Don’t try and exercise when you haven’t eaten a dang thing all day. So my friend and cheerleader Nancy and I decided to go on a walk. I’m thinking I will double my results if I exercise AND starve myself. Not a good idea. Nancy almost had to carry me (and baby J) up the hill to her house. And if any of you have met my friend Nancy, she’s barely 100 pounds dripping wet.

Day two: Pretty much a repeat of day one. I obsessed about food all day long and called Holly about a billion times for pep talks. Let’s just say by 8 p.m. that night I was curled up in the fetal position begging to be put out of my misery.

Day three: Woke up with a massive headache, but then weighed myself. Hot dog, I lost five pounds! All of a sudden I had a huge burst of energy and all was well (for about an hour). BUT, this was the day where I could have two shakes and a healthy dinner. I was counting the minutes.

Somewhere during this day I did feel somewhat of a mental clarity…but then again, I could be hallucinating. Let me just tell you people, my dear sweet hubby made me dinner, and that was the best freaking grilled chicken, brown rice and veggies I ever ate in my life. Not kidding.

Day four: Another repeat of day three…they all start to run together and they all seem to get longer and longer. I did okay until I went to visit a friend in her office and got so lightheaded I almost passed out. I had forgotten to bring my “snacks” (term used for a fake chocolate wafer like thing that is reminiscent of a TUMS…hungry anyone?). Sweet hubby made me dinner again and I passed out.

Bonus (because seriously, where else do I have to go but up?): I have slept like a rock since the cleanse. Haven’t even woken up to hear Baby J.

I still have four and a half days to go…three more days of shakes and one meal, then two more days of not eating. Ugh. Is it worth it? Verdict’s still out. You’ll be hearing from me again soon.

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About marniefernandez

Official kid wrangler of four. Step mom, adoptive mom & bio mom. City girl turned country bumpkin. Small town girl next door married to Hollywood sniper/moto-cross/ninja architect. Career girl turned stay-at-home mom with baby on hip. Permanent taxi-cab driver, schedule organizer and professional laundress. (When not chasing kids...) Mommy blogger, columnist, travel writer and consultant. And no, I don't sleep. And yes, I take Prozac. And drink wine from sippy cups.

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